摘自《二十一世纪报》（2005年6月1日）
We need your help desperately
读者原文
Dear friends,
I'm writing to you, on behalf of the student union, to ask for help for our schoolmate, Li Ming. He's seriously ill and has to have a lung transplant at once. To make things worse, he comes from the west of our country, which means his family is quite poor.
Li Ming is now confronted with the following difficulties. To begin with, he can't afford the medical expenses. His family doesn't have a good financial background and moreover, his parents have already borrowed a lot of money to send him to university. In view of their low income and severe financial situation, we hope you can show your sympathy. In addition, his family is far away and he needs someone to take care of him day and night instead of his parents who are thousands of miles from here. Only under careful care can our friend recover from his disease.
On no account can we see our friend suffer without giving him a hand! He's in desperate need of your help, especially in financial donations to help pay his expenses. Anyone who wants to offer help can contact us at 65xxxx12 or you can e-mail us by love@sina.com. Please act without delay!
Yours sincerely,
Zhang Hua
Chairman of the Student Union
改写后的文章
Dear friends,
I'm writing to you, on behalf of the student union, to ask for help for our schoolmate, Li Ming. He's seriously ill and will have to have a lung transplant at once. To make things worse, he comes from the west of the country, which means his family are quite poor.
Li Ming now faces the following difficulties: To begin with, he can't afford the medical expenses. His family are penniless. And they have already borrowed heavily to send him to university. In view of their lack of income and difficult financial situation, we hope you can show some sympathy by making a cash donation. In addition, his family live far from here and he doesn't have anyone to take the place of his parents, to look after him day and night. It's only with intensive care that our friend will be able to recover from his disease.
We cannot bear to see our friend suffer and not lend a hand! He's in desperate need of your help, especially in the area of money to help pay for his expenses. Anyone who wants to help in any way can contact us by telephone at 65xxxx12 or by e-mail at love@sina.com. Please act without delay!
Yours sincerely,
Zhang Hua
Chairman of the Student Union
夏教授的讲评
这封信完全符合指令的要求，即代表学生会写一封公开信，呼吁大家伸出援手，帮助一位身患重病的同学。此次阅卷中，我们发现有很多的考生不看题目指令，只看中文提纲，结果写出来的信既不代表学生会，也不是为一位生病的同学求助。例如，有的考生写的是一封私人信件，为自己生病的弟弟或是邻居的孩子求助，这就不符合考试的要求，要扣分。这篇文章第一段就简单明了地道出了一位同学的病情和困境，并代表学生会向大家求助。第二段开门见山，讲出该生的经济困难和需要看护的情况。第三段则以很强的语气恳请大家帮助，并讲清了联系方法。从文字方面看，该考生基本功扎实，语法和句子结构都没有什么问题，长句、复合句、强调句型用得也得心应手，语言流畅。美中不足的是个别地方用词欠妥。下面是几点修改意见：
1．第二段第三句中"His family doesn't have a good financial background"宜改为"His family is/are penniless"。原句语法虽然不错，但是不那么直截了当，反而没有力量。既然要求别人帮助，就没有必要避开一个"穷"字。
2．第二段第四句中"severe financial situation"搭配不当，可改为"difficult/tough/desperate financial situation"。
3. 第二段倒数第二句中的"instead of"意思是"代替、而不是"，所以"he needs someone to take care of him day and night instead of his parents"的意思是"他需要别人而非他的父母来昼夜照顾他"，暗含的意思是，根据他的选择，他不想要父母的照顾。改为"take the place of his parents"才能表示"替/帮他父母(来照顾他)"。
4．第三段第三句中"you can e-mail us by love@sina.com"应改为"you can e-mail us at love@sina.com"。为了简洁起见，可把整句改为"…can contact us by phone at 65xxxx12 or by e-mail at love@sina.com"。
在本期大学英语四六级考试专栏中，复旦大学夏国佐教授对读者题为"Your help needed"的作文进行了讲评和改写。这是2005年1月六级考试的作文题目。按照评分标准，这篇文章的得分是14分。夏教授是大学英语四六级考试委员会的专家，参与试题的设计和阅卷工作。本期的写作题目是今年1月份六级考试的作文题。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的亲自点评，请按照下边的要求写出一篇短文，发到elt@21stcentury.com.cn。
Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write an open letter on behalf of the student union, asking people to help a student who is seriously ill. You should write at least 150 words following the outline below:
1. 对病人的简单介绍：目前的病情和家庭近况
2. 目前的困难：无法承担医疗费用，需要护理
3. 希望捐助：联系方式
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