A campaign speech

在本期大学英语四六级考试专栏中，复旦大学夏国佐教授对读者题为"A campaign speech"的作文进行了讲评和改写。这是2005年1月四级考试的作文题目。按照四级考试评分标准，这篇文章的得分是14分。夏教授是大学英语四六级考试委员会的专家，参与试题的设计和阅卷工作。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的亲自点评，请按照右边的要求写出一篇短文，发到elt@21stcentury.com.cn。它是今年一月份四级考试的作文题目。

Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a campaign speech in support of your election as chairman of the student union. You should write at least 120 words following this outline in Chinese:

1.你认为自己具备了什么条件（能力，性格，爱好等）可以胜任学生会主席的工作

2.如果当选，你将为本校同学做些什么

读者原文

Dear fellow students,

I am grateful that you offer me the chance to speak here. I am impressed by the speeches of the previous candidates. Yet, I want to prove myself better for the post of chairman.

First of all, I have a pleasant personality. Last year I was the dorm director of our building and I managed to get along with all the students well. I have acquired working experience and communication skills which I consider as the most essential for the co-ordinator of the whole student union.

Secondly, I'm always ready to create. At present our union is very well organized. However our activity schedule is slightly monotonous. I am willing to add some vivid elements into it in order to make our campus life more enjoyable.

If I am elected the chairman, I promise I will become your voice and build the student union into a bridge between the students and the university.

I'm your best choice, vote for me, vote for yourself, thank you!

夏教授的讲评

这篇讲稿写得很好。它符合指令要求，切合主题，内容充实，文字通顺，语调也比较得体。文章第一段是个开场白。一方面肯定了前几位候选人的讲话，表示对别人的尊重，同时又明确表示自己是更加合适的人选，颇能赢得大家的好感。第二、三段摆自己的条件，讲得比较具体，且有例证，令人信服。从第三段的后半部到第四段讲自己如果当选，将为同学们做些什么，直截了当，明明白白。最后呼吁到场的人投自己的票。从文字上看，这位同学基本功很好。除个别地方外，用词也比较得当。可以改进的有以下几处：

1．第二段第二句中"I managed to get along with all the students well" 最好改成"I managed to get along well with all the students"。"well"一字很短，放在"with all the students"这个比较长短语之后，读起来不够紧凑,而且"get along well/fine"常常一起讲，没有必要，就不必分开。

2．第二段末尾的定语从句"which I consider as ... the whole student union"可改为"which I consider to be essential for the successful running of the whole student union"。虽然作者在这里用"the co-ordinator" 是想指学生会主席这个职务，但若是改成"the successful running of the whole student union"，意思就更明确了。

3．第三段最后一句中"I am willing to ... elements into it"可改为"I'll try to add greater variety and more colour"。前面一句讲学生会的活动表单调 (monotonous), 那末，要加的是多样化 (variety), 而不是"vividness"。另外，应该是"add?to"而不是 "add ?into"。

最后，我想提一提作文的思想性问题。本次考试中，我们发现个别考生所写的内容不健康，有的还使用污秽的语言。对于这样的作文，轻则扣分，严重的判零分。四、六级考试是一个严肃的考试，在原则的问题上，是绝不允许胡来的。

改写后的文章

Dear fellow students,

I am grateful that you have offered me the chance to speak here. I am impressed by the speeches of the other candidates. But, I want to prove that I would be better for the post of chairman of the student union.

First of all, I have a pleasant personality. Last year I was dorm director of our building and I managed to get along well with all the students. At the same time I have acquired a lot of working experience and communication skills, which I consider to be essential for the successful running of the whole student union.

Second, I'm always ready to create. At present our union is very well organized. However its activity schedule is slightly monotonous. I'll try to add greater variety and more colour to it to make our campus life richer and more enjoyable.

If I am elected chairman, I promise I will be your voice and make the student union a bridge between the students and the university administration.

I believe I'm your best choice. Vote for me and vote for yourself. Thank you!