全国大学四、六级考试

在本期大学英语四六级考试专栏中，复旦大学夏国佐教授对读者题为"Brief Introduction to a Tourist Attraction" 的作文进行了讲评和改写。这是2004年6月四级考试的作文题目。按照四级考试评分标准，这篇文章的得分是11分。夏教授是大学英语四六级考试委员会的专家，参与试题的设计和阅卷工作。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的亲自点评，请按照右边的要求写出一篇短文，发到elt@21stcentury.com.cn。它是今年一月份四级考试的作文题目。

Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a campaign speech in support of your election as chairman of the student union. You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below in Chinese:

1.你认为自己具备了什么条件（能力，性格，爱好等）可以胜任学生会主席的工作

2. 如果当选，你将为本校同学做些什么

读者原文

My dear frends, welcome to the city of Wuyishan in Fujian Province! And today I am very glad to have the honour to be your tour guide and show you around this city which is crowned as "fairy land". Hope you will enjoy your sightseeing here.

The schedule for today is as follows: our tour starts from Tianyou and we will visit Jiuquxi before travelling to the natural preserve near Tianyou. Tianyou is a must for any visitor to Wuyishan. It is a very high mountain and from the top of it, you will see the whole scene around the mountain. It is the most famous scenic spot of Wuyishan. The nature preserve is very large, where you can see many kinds of animals. Every year, lots of foreigners like you come and do research on the animals. As for our last stop Jiuquxi, it is a landmark of this city. The water of this river is green, which looks like a belt around WuyiMountain.

Now, come on. Here we go!

夏教授的讲评

这篇作文总体上讲写得不错。内容符合要求，语言基本功也较好。主要问题是介绍不够具体生动，用词还不够精确。

1．如果你将修改后的文字与原文比较一下，你会发现修改后的文字会给听众，尤其是第一次到中国来旅游的听众更多、更具体、更生动的信息。试看：

1) "Tianyou"改为"Tianyou Peak"后，除地名外，还告诉听众它是一个山峰

2) "Jiuquxi "改为"Jiuqu Stream"后，除地名外，还告诉听众它是一条河流

3) 原文第二段最后两句"As for our last stop...Wuyi mountain."被修改后，加入了"nine twists and turns"和 "pure clean water"等修饰语，使景点介绍更加具体，文章也更吸引人。

2．第一段第二句中的定语从句"which is crowned as 'fairy land'"应为非限制性定语从句，前面应加逗号。从句中"crowned as"宜改为"widely known as"。"Crown"作为名词意为"王冠"；做动词用意为"给…加冕"，"立…为王","授予…(荣誉)"，其宾语一般为人，不是物。例如：Diego Maradona has been crowned Argentina's best-ever soccer player.

3．第二段倒数第二句中的"landmark"用得不当。"Landmark"一般是从远处就能看见的可用来判断自己所处位置的一个地方的建筑物或自然景物。文中的九曲溪，除非登上山顶，恐怕是很难从远处看到的。同一段最后一句中"The water of this river is green"宜改为"The water of this river is blue"。在英文中，绿色的水多为污染的水，蓝色的水才是干净的水。

4．第二段第一句中的"travel"宜改为"go"。"Travel"一般指有一定距离的旅行，例如到国外去等等。我们会听到"travel to work", "travel to a foreign country", "travel abroad"的说法，但却很少听到 "travel to class"或"travel to the library"。还有第二段第三句中的"mountain"宜改为"peak"。前者是山，后者是峰。

改写后的文章

Dear friends, welcome to the city of Wuyishan! Today I am very glad to have the honour to be your tour guide and to show you around this city, which is known as a "fairy land". I hope you will enjoy your sightseeing here.

The schedule for today is as follows: we start our tour at TianyouPeak and go to Wuyi Mountain Nature Reserve and from there to Jiuqu Stream. Tianyou is the most famous scenic spot around here, and a must-see for anyone who visits Wuyishan. It's a high peak and, from up on top, you will see the landscape all around it. The Nature Reserve covers a large area, where you can see all kinds of animals and plants. Every year, scientists come from all over to study the wildlife. Our last stop, Jiuqu Stream, has nine twists and turns and pure, clear water and looks like a blue belt around WuyiMountain.

So, now, let's begin our journey!