I'm sure you'll never forget this

在本期大学英语四六级考试专栏中，复旦大学夏国佐教授对读者题为"Brief Introduction to a Tourist Attraction"的作文进行了讲评和改写。这是2004年6月四级考试的作文题目。夏教授是大学英语四六级考试委员会的专家，参与试题的设计和阅卷工作。按照四级考试评分标准，这篇文章的得分是11分。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的亲自点评，请按照右边的要求写出一篇至少120字的短文，发到elt@21stcentury.com.cn.

Direction: Your role is as a tourist guide; your audience is a group of foreign tourists; your introduction should include: 1. some welcoming word, 2. the day's schedule, 3. a discription of the place the tourists will be visiting.

读者原文

Welcome to this beautiful city — Hangzhou. I'm very honored to be your tour guide to show you the most charming scenery of the city. I'm sure you will never forget the wonderful visit I will lead you to.

Now, I'm going to give you the introduction of today's schedule. In the morning, we will visit the LingyinTemple. It's one of the most famous temple in China because of its long history and good location.

After visiting the temple, we plan to have lunch at the restaurant near the WestLake. There, you will have the real traditional Chinese food and enjoy the landscape of WestLake. In the afternoon, we will go to LeifengTower which has an romantic Chinese love story which I will tell you during the visiting. After dinner, I will show you the most well-known scenery — WestLake. You can boating in the lake and enjoy the beautiful views.

What do you think of the plan? If you have some advise, please tell me. I will arrange it and give you a most comfortable trip.

改写后的文章

Welcome to the beautiful city of Hangzhou. I'm honoured to be your tour guide and to be able to show you around the city. I'm sure you won't forget the charming scenery I'll show to you.

Now, I'm going to tell you about today's schedule. In the morning, we'll visit LingyinTemple. It's one of the most famous temples in China because of its long history and location in a narrow valley between two high peaks.

After visiting the temple, we plan to have lunch at a restaurant on WestLake. There you'll get a taste of traditional Chinese food while enjoying a view of WestLake. In the afternoon, we'll go to LeifengTower, about which there is a romantic Chinese love story. I'll tell you the story while we're making the tour. After that, I'll show you WestLake. It's one of the best-known scenic spots in China. You can go boating and enjoy the view from the water.

What do you think of the schedule? If you have any suggestions, please tell me. I'll arrange it so that you'll have a most comfortable trip.

夏教授的讲评

这篇文章总体来讲写得不错。它覆盖了大纲要求主要内容，语言也比较清楚。除了有一些语法和用词错误外，整体的句子结构也是正确的。文章需要进一步完善的地方包括：

1. 第一段第三句"I'm sure... lead you to."犯了逻辑错误。这里，介词"to"的宾语是"visit"。所以这个定语从句可以改写成"I will lead you to the visit"。这样就可以看出，"lead to the visit"意思是不对的，因为"lead to"后面应该加的是一个地方或者某个风景，而不是"visit"。所以这句应该被改成"I'm sure you will never forget the charming scenery I'm going to show to you."

2．第二段第一句"...I'm going to give you the introduction of today's schedule"中的"the introduction"是完全不必要的。实际上，"give"的东西是"today's schedule",而不是"introduction"。作者犯这个错误，是完全按照字面意思翻译了"我要给大家介绍今天的行程"的中文。正确的说法应该是："I'm going to introduce today's schedule to you."

3．第三段第三句"... we will go to ... love story"中"which"引导的定语从句同样犯了一个逻辑错误。正确的逻辑是"有一个关于雷峰塔的浪漫爱情故事"，而不是"雷峰塔有一个浪漫爱情故事"。雷峰塔作为一个没有生命的东西是不可能有爱情故事的。

4．最后一段的第三句"I will arrange ... comfortable trip"中的"it"指代不清。所以我们应该把这句话改成"I'll arrange it so that you'll have a most comfortable journey."