This essay was worth 11 points

In last December’s CET-4, students were asked to write an essay according to the directions as follows:

For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a letter in reply to a friend’s inquiry about applying for admission to your college or university. You should write at least 120 words according to the outline given below in Chinese:

1.建议报考的专业和理由

2.报考该专业的基本条件

3.应当如何报考

Original essay

The following is an essay worth 11 points.

A Letter in Reply to a Friend

Since I received your letter, I have thought about the problem for several days. In my opinion, you should make computer as your professional subject. It is one of the best careers in recent years and it will last long. If you study computer, you will be popular when you graduate. Furthermore, you’re interested in it, aren’t you?

There are about 100 days before the examination. I think you should work harder than usual. Do more exercises and have more lessons. Of course, be careful of yourself and keep from sickness. Playing computers and going to Internet may be good to you, but don’t use computer as a video game machine.

The last point is most important. You should know what kind of students will pass the entrance exam easily. The students our university wants are always clever and hardworking. Some professional knowledges about computer are necessary to you.

Good luck to you for your entrance exam.

Comments

This letter is fairly good. The author is able to express his ideas and the piece is basically coherent. There are no major grammatical mistakes. It shows the author has a fairly good mastery of English sentence structure. The person is also familiar with quite a number of everyday idiomatic expressions, such as “thought about”, “in my opinion”, “interested in”, “work harder than usual”, and “pass the entrance exam”. The chief weakness lies in some inaccuracies in wording and expression.

1. In the first sentence of paragraph 1, the word “problem” is not appropriate. A “problem” is an unsatisfactory situation that needs to be dealt with, for example, the AIDS problem, the unemployment problem and the population explosion problem. Giving advice in this context is not a “problem”; it is simply a “matter”. The author’s use of the word “problem” is caused by his using his native language.

2. In the second sentence of the first paragraph, “you should make computer as your professional subject” should be changed to “you should make computer science your major/specialty.” The word “make” means “to cause to become”; for example, “We made him spokesman of the committee”; “He was made king.” The pattern is: make + object + complement. The word “as” has no place in this structure.

3. In the third sentence of the first paragraph, “It is one of the best careers...,” “career” should be changed to “profession”. The word “career” refers to an occupation undertaken for a significant period of one’s life. Therefore, “career” is always mentioned in reference to something. We can say “my teaching career” and “his writing career”. It is not used in the same way as “profession”. In the same sentence, “it will last long” should be changed to “it will remain so for a long time to come”, because here the emphasis is not on whether IT will last long, but on whether IT will be one of the best professions.

4. In the fourth sentence of the first paragraph, after “you will be popular” there should be “in the job market”, because here the implied meaning is that it will be easy for you to find a job after graduation.

5. The third sentence of the third paragraph “The students our university wants are always clever and hardworking” should be changed to “Our university wants students who are both intelligent and hardworking”, because even though the university wants very much to enroll good students, the students who get admitted are not always intelligent and hardworking. Accuracy in expression comes from clear thinking. So before you put pen to paper, you should do some thinking to figure out exactly what you want to say.

6. In the fourth sentence of the third paragraph, “knowledges” should be changed to “knowledge”. This word is uncountable and has no plural form.

As far as organization is concerned, it would be much better to put Paragraph 3 before Paragraph 2. It is more natural to talk about the requirements for admission first and how to prepare for the exams second.

Revised version

The following is a slightly revised version of the original for the reference of interested readers:

Since I received your letter, I have thought about the matter for several days. In my opinion, you should make computer science your major/specialty. IT is one of the best professions in recent years and it will remain so for a long time to come. If you study computer science, you will be popular in the job market when you graduate. Furthermore, you’re interested in it, aren’t you?

I guess you know what kind of students will get admitted easily. Our university wants students who are both intelligent and hardworking. A little professional knowledge about computers will also help.

There are about 100 days before the exam. You probably need to work harder than usual. You can do more homework and spend more time on lessons. Of course, you should take good care of yourself to avoid illness. Spending more time on the computer and surfing the Internet may be good to you, but you mustn’t use the computer simply as a video game machine.

I wish you good luck in the coming entrance exam.

Coming up: Comment on an 8-point essay

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The author is a professor of English at FudanUniversity.