Comment on traffic essay

THIS is a reader's essay on last June's CET-4 writing topic, which asked test takers to write an eyewitness account of a traffic accident.

Original version

On my way to school last week, I saw a traffic accident happening at the corner of the Xuhuan Road in the downtown area. It was about half past eight. The street was busy with people and cars rushing to work. A bus with passengers was driven on the road from east to west. Then suddenly, a motorbike turned around the corner from another street at a high speed from west to east. The motorbike's sudden turn shocked bus driver and he found no time to stop the bus. The two vehicles crashed together. And the motorbike was knocked down and the driver was thrown down the motorbike. Blood came out of his head. Most people on the bus were safe with some people falling down due to the sudden stop.

The reason for this accident is obvious. If the motorbike driver had slowed down the speed and be more careful when he turned around, the accident could have been avoided. Other reasons include the messy traffic flow on the road. The motorcycles rush by and the pedestrians don't use the zebra crossing. The road is narrow, but there is a large flow of the traffic everyday.

Comment

This essay meets the elementary requirements of college English writing. It tells us fairly clearly how the accident happened and what caused it. There are no mistakes in sentence structure, which creates a solid foundation for the essay. Also, the author has a basic grasp of English grammar. According to CET standards, this essay gets 9 points.

The major weaknesses lie in inaccurate description of the scene along with some wording errors.

1. Inaccurate descriptions. In the first sentence, "at the corner of the Xuhuan Road" does not give the reader a clear idea of where the accident happened. This road probably has many corners. The author should be specific. Later in the paragraph, "a motorbike turned around the corner from another street at a high speed from west to east" is contradictory. Judging from the context, Xuhuan Road and the other street should be the same road, for they both are referred to as running east to west. The author gives vague and confusing descriptions that make the scene hard to picture. When scoring the essays, we found some students drew a simple map for reference to help themselves describe the event more accurately in writing. While that might not be necessary, you should have a clear picture in your mind when you describe the scene. After you finish, you should read over your own writing while thinking from the reader's perspective to make sure everything is clear and accurate.

2. Errors in wording. The seventh sentence of the first paragraph, "The two vehicles crashed together", should be changed to "The two vehicles ran into each other" or "The two vehicles crashed into each other". The expression "crashed together" is a literal translation from Chinese and sounds awkward in English. In the following sentence and in the second sentence of the second paragraph, the word "driver" should be replaced by "rider". We drive cars or buses, but we ride bikes or motorbikes. In the second sentence of the second paragraph, "when he turned around" should be changed to "when he turned left" or "when he made a left turn". If one turns around, he turns and faces the opposite direction. In driving, to turn around is to change direction and go back the way one came.

Another point worth mentioning is the use of verb tense. Later in the second paragraph, "The motorcycles rush by and the pedestrians don't use..." should be changed to "Many motorcycles were rushing by, and some of the pedestrians weren't using ...". The use of the past tense here is important, because these actions are related to the accident. The usual behaviour of motorcycles and pedestrians does not necessarily cause accidents, but those people's behaviour at that moment on that particular day certainly did.

Revised version

The following is a slightly revised version:

On my way to school last week, I saw a traffic accident downtown at an intersection on Xuhuan Road. It was about half past eight. The street was busy with cars and people rushing to work. A bus packed with passengers was travelling east to west when suddenly a motorbike going at a high speed in the opposite direction made a left turn at the intersection. Its sudden turn surprised the bus driver, and he could not stop in time to avoid a crash. The two vehicles ran into each other. The motorbike was knocked down, and its rider was thrown to the ground. Blood came gushing out of his head. Most people on the bus were safe, but some standing passengers fell to the floor due to the sudden stop.

The reason for this accident is obvious. If the motorbike rider had slowed down and been more careful when he made the left turn, the accident could have been avoided. Other reasons include the chaotic traffic at that spot. Many motorcycles were rushing by, and some of the pedestrians weren't using the crosswalk. The road is narrow, and traffic is heavy, especially during rush hour, but no traffic lights have been installed.

Coming up: comment on last December's CET writing

By Xia Guozuo

The author is a professor of English at FudanUniversity.