Try your hand at writing

This is another essay written from one of our readers on last June's CET-6 topic: Ownership of Houses in a BigCity in China.

Reader's essay

From the figure above, it can be seen that while there were about 75 per cent of houses owned by the States in 1990, only 20 per cent were left under the ownership of the State in 2000. And the percentage of private houses increased gradually from 25 per cent in 1990 to 40 per cent in 1995, finally up to 80 per cent in 2000. It is not difficult to draw the conclusion that great changes in opinion of houses' ownership of the citizens have taken place.

The reason for the ownership transfer of houses can be attributed to the points as follows:

First and foremost, the application of opening-door Policy and the reform of economic policies have made great contribution to the development of national economy and the rising life level of citizens. Thus, now many citizens have enough money to afford a house. Furthermore, banks are eager to lend money to individuals to help them pay for the house and have made lots of alluring measures. This promoted the selling of State-owned houses to families. Moreover, many companies do not provide their employees dwellings now. Instead, they gave them money to help them rent or buy their own houses.

Surely, the changes of ownership influence both the individuals and the society. Owning a house is a pride for many people. It gave them the feeling of being at home, which belongs to their own. The trend of buying one's own houses promotes the economical development of the country and helps the maturity of real estate market. And meanwhile, government should take measures to regulate the market to protect the interests of the buyers.

Comment

This essay is fairly well written. It is good in content and the ideas are in order. In language, there are no major mistakes in sentence structure. And, in spite of some errors in usage, the author is able to convey his ideas in basically correct and idiomatic English. The author seems to have a fairly large number of words and expressions. With continued practice and more attention to idiomatic usage, he should be able to express himself freely in English. Based on the CET marking scheme, the essay could get 12 points.

Some improvements that could be made are:

1. The positioning of modifiers. In the third sentence of the first paragraph, "...opinion of houses' ownership of the citizens" should be changed to "citizens' opinions on house ownership," because "citizens" does not modify "house ownership," it modifies "opinion." Again, in the first sentence of the second paragraph, "the ownership transfer of houses" should be changed to "the transfer of house ownership," because "house" does not modify "transfer," but "ownership."

2. Organization of ideas. The first sentence of the second paragraph "The reason for the ownership transfer of houses can be attributed to the points as follows" should be changed to "The transfer of house ownership can be attributed to the following" or "The reasons for the transfer of house ownership are as follows."

"The reasons" and "the following points" refer to the same thing. The latter does not cause the former to happen. Therefore, the former cannot be attributed to the latter. Also the last sentence of the third paragraph "And meanwhile, government should take measures to regulate the market to protect the interests of the buyers" is not something brought about by the change in house ownership, but the author's opinion. It does not connect well with the preceding sentences. Therefore, in the revised version, the sentence "some developers palm off shoddy products on their customers" is added to provide the missing link.

3. Collocation. In the second sentence of the second paragraph, "life level" should read "standard of living." In the third sentence of the second paragraph, "have made...measures" should read "have taken ...measures." The verbs to go with "measures" are usually "adopt," "introduce," or "impose." And in the fifth sentence of the same paragraph, "provide their employees dwellings" should be "provide their employees with housing" or "provide housing for their employees." For example:

He provided us with a lot of useful information.

All natural resources must be utilized to provide food for the needy.

Revised version

The following is a slightly revised version of the original for the reference of interested readers:

From the figure given above, it can be seen that, while 75 per cent of the houses were owned by the State in 1990, only 20 per cent were by 2000. And the amount of private houses increased gradually from 25 per cent in 1990 to 40 per cent in 1995, and finally up to 80 per cent in 2000. It is not difficult to draw the conclusion that great changes in (people's opinion of) house ownership have taken place.

The transfer of house ownership can be attributed to the following:

First, the opening-up and reform policy has made a great contribution to the nation's economy and the rising standard of living. Now, many more people have the money to buy (can afford) a house. Furthermore, banks are eager to lend money to individuals to help them buy a house and have loans with very alluring terms. This has promoted the sale of State-owned houses. Moreover, many companies no longer provide housing for employees. Instead, they give them money to help them rent or buy a house.

The change in house ownership has certainly had a marked effect on both individuals and society. Many people take pride in owning a house. It gives them a sense of fulfillment and a feeling of security. Buying one's own house helps the economic development of the country and growth in the real estate market. However, some developers unload shoddy products on customers. Therefore, the government should have measures to regulate the market and to protect the buyer's interest.



Readers are invited to write on this topic. Address it to elt@21stcentury.com.cn. Professor Xia at FudanUniversity will comment on some of the more typical ones.