Shanghai's unique

THE following is an essay worth 14 points out of the total of 15 from the June 2004 CET-4 test. The topic and directions are in the box at bottom left. Sample essays of other scores will appear over the next few months.

Original

I feel it a great honour to be your tour guide today. First, on behalf of my company, I warmly welcome all my distinguished guests from Australia to visit Shanghai and the Oriental Pearl TV Tower.

Located on the HuangpuRiver, the Oriental Pearl TV Tower is now the symbol of the city. Built in 1994 and opened to the public in 1995, it is now the highest building in Shanghai and the third highest in Asia. The Tower has a quite unique structure and consists of 3 large balls and 5 small balls. Inside the balls, you can have a bird's eye view of the city.

Our schedule for the trip to the TV Tower is as follows: you have an hour from 9:30-10:30 am to experience the history of Shanghai on the first floor. Then we'll assemble in the middle of the hall at 10:30 and have another hour to overlook at the beautiful city sceneries in the middle ball. Finally please do remember to go to the top ball at 11:30 to enjoy your lunch.

Thanks for listening. Have a good time!

Comments

This essay is well written. After a few words of welcome, the author gives a brief introduction to the Oriental Pearl TV Tower, which could sound attractive to the tourists. Then, he tells visitors about the schedule for the day's visit and calls their attention to the time to have lunch. The writer has a solid feel for English grammatical structure and is familiar with idiomatic expressions of everyday English. So, his writing is clean and fluid. To improve his writing, he should pay attention to the subtle differences between words of apparently similar meaning. He should also think about the exact meaning of a word and how it is used in communication. The following is an analysis of some of the errors in the essay.

1. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, the word "symbol" refers to a thing that represents or stands for something else, especially a material object representing something abstract; for example:

The limousine is another symbol of his wealth and authority.

The lion is the symbol of courage.

Now, strictly speaking, Oriental Pearl TV Tower is not a symbol but a landmark of Shanghai. A landmark is an object or feature of a landscape that is easily seen and recognized from a distance, especially one that helps a person establish her location; for example:

The Statue of Liberty is a famous landmark of New York City.

The steam engine was sold for scrap shortly after the mill ceased working, and the tall brick chimney, which had been a distinctive landmark for a long time, was demolished soon after.

2. In the last sentence of the second paragraph, the word "ball" is not quite appropriate. A ball refers to a round object, either solid or hollow, used especially for kicking, hitting or throwing in games (a tennis or golf ball, or basketball) ; or to a mass of material in a round shape (a meatball or snowball). A better word here is sphere or globe, or a spherical structure or ball-shaped structure.

3. In the first sentence of the third paragraph, "to experience the history of Shanghai" could be changed to "to visit an exhibition of Shanghai history" or "to look at pictures of Shanghai's history" or "to get a glimpse of Shanghai's history". The original expression "to experience the history of Shanghai" does not give readers a clear idea of what is going on.

4. In the second sentence of the third paragraph, "to overlook at the beautiful city sceneries" should be changed to "get a good look at the city and its beautiful scenery." The word "overlook" means "to provide a view of something, especially from above"; for example,

The rooftop overlooked a platform on which several men were standing.

The bedroom is lovely, with large windows overlooking the sea

"Overlook" is a transitive verb, so there is no need to add the preposition "at" after it. Another word with a similar structure and usage that comes to mind is "overhang", meaning "to hang out over", as in:

The limbs of two large trees overhang the cottage's patio.

But, the verb form is not as common as the noun; for example:

The face of the cliff has a stunning overhang that looks out at the broad sea.

By the way, the word "scenery" refers to "all the natural things such as trees, hills and lakes you can see in a particular place". It is an uncountable noun and rarely used in the plural. For example,

Switzerland has some spectacular scenery.

The place has always attracted writers and artists because of its dramatic scenery.

Revision

The following is a revised version of the essay.



I feel it a great honour to be your tour guide today. First, on behalf of my company, I warmly welcome all my distinguished guests from Australia to Shanghai and the Oriental Pearl TV Tower.

Oriental Pearl TV Tower is located on the HuangpuRiver and is a city landmark. It was built in 1994 and opened to the public in 1995 and is now the tallest tower in Shanghai and the third highest in Asia. The Tower is a unique structure, consisting of three large and several smaller spheres. It gives you the impression various-sized pearls dropping onto a green carpet. From the deck of the upper sphere, you get a wonderful bird's eye view of the city.

Our schedule for the trip to the TV Tower today is as follows:

You have from 9:30 to 10:30 am to visit a Shanghai history exhibition on the first floor. We'll assemble in the middle of the hall at 10:30 and go up to the middle sphere to get a good view of the city. Finally please remember to go to the top sphere at 11:30 for lunch.

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Submit your own essay and you may see it reviewed here

TO help readers improve their writing skills for the College English Test, we've asked Professor Xia Guozuo to revise readers' essays and add comments. All you need to do is to follow the directions given below and email your essay to elt@21stcentury.com.cn. The topic below is from the June CET-4 writing.

Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a composition entitled "A Brief Introduction to a Tourist Attraction". It should be at least 120-words long and should follow these instructions:

Your role is as a tourist guide

Your audience is a group of foreign tourists

Your introduction should include:

* Some welcoming word

* The day's schedule

*A description of the place the tourists will be visiting (eg. a scenic spot, a historical site, etc.)

You should make the introduction interesting and the arrangements for the day clear.