Poor use of language

THE following is an essay worth 8 points out of the total of 15 from the CET-4 September 2003 test. The directions were: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a composition of at least 120 words on the topic "The day my classmate fell ill (or got injured)" based on the outline given bellow in Chinese:

1. 简单叙述一下这位同学生病（或受伤）的情况

2. 同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的

3. 人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是

From next month, we will publish sample essays from this June's CET-4 writing test.

Original

It was rainy when class was over. No sooner had we came out of the classroom than we saw Xiao Li, one of my classmate, been knocked down by a bicycle. We ran towards him immediately.

Xiao Li said his legs were injured and could hardly stand up. Then, there came Mr. Zhang, our English teacher. Having knowing the situation, Mr. Zhang, altogether with us and the student who knocked Xiao Li down, carried Xiao Li to the bicycle carefully, although Xiao Li's trousers was very dirty because of the wet ground. And we sent him to the hostipal soon. On the road we asked Xiao Li if he was ache time and time again. Later, Xiao Li felt better and smiled, "Thanks for your love."

Yes, it was the love between us that made Xiao Li smile. The love is sweet. It makes all the things go round. Thanks to it, the society is full of sunshine. And the sunshine helps people who are injured or ill to beat the darkness and to recure. Let's love each other, and the world will be more beautiful and secure.

Comment

As far as content is concerned, this essay meets the requirements. In language, however, it leaves much to be desired. Though the author was able to convey his ideas in basically understandable English, he made many mistakes both in grammar and in usage. The following is an analysis of some of the mistakes in the essay.

1. Basic grammar. In the second sentence of the first paragraph, "No sooner had we came out of the classroom than we saw Xiao Li, one of my classmate, been knocked down by a bicycle", "No sooner had we came out" should read "No sooner had we come out", and "we saw Xiao Li … been knocked down…" should read "we saw Xiao Li knocked down by a bicycle". Again, in the second sentence of the second paragraph, "Having knowing the situation…" should be changed to "Knowing the situation", or "Sizing up the situation". In English, there are no such grammatical forms as "had came", "see … been knocked down", or "having knowing"; there are only "had come", "see … (being) knocked down", "knowing that" or "having known". The impossible grammatical forms in his writing indicate that this student is unfamiliar with the basic English grammar.

2. Confusion of meaning. In the sentence "Mr. Zhang, altogether with us … carried Xiao Li to the bicycle", the word "altogether" should be "together". The word "altogether" means "including everything", while "together" means "with each other", "with other people or things". For example,

We grew up together in the same village.

Get all the ingredients together before you start cooking.

The train went slower and slower until it stopped altogether.

I'm not altogether happy about the decision.

In the sentence, "we sent him to the hospital", the word "send" is used in the wrong way. The word "send" means "to order or instruct to go to a particular destination or in a particular direction" without the speaker going himself. For example,

Next morning I checked the typing for errors and sent it back for correction.

His mother sent him to the bakery to get some fresh bread.

Therefore, in the context, we cannot use the word "send". Instead, we can say, "we took him to the hospital", or "we carried him to the hospital on the bicycle".

In the sentence, "we asked Xiao Li if he was ache", it is not appropriate to use the word "ache". The word "ache" as a verb means "to suffer from a steady dull pain". For example,

My body is aching all over.

My legs ache from yesterday's exercise.

In this context, the pain is caused by a physical injury, so the right word here is "hurt". Study the following examples and you'll get a feel of the way the word "hurt" is used.

When I asked him about my hitting him, he said: "I don't like it," but, "It doesn't hurt."

Almost in tears, the boy pounded his father until his hand hurt.

My head didn't hurt at all, although it did feel a bit light.

Again in the sentence, "Thanks for your love", the word "love" is inappropriate. The right word is "care" or "love and care", or "loving care". Perhaps the following examples will give you some idea of the difference between "love" and "care".

We'll change to a system where one certain nurse will be responsible for your care here in hospital.

Thank you for your care and concern during my time of suffering.

She was too young to give the child the care it needed.

Open your heart to me and give your love to me.

I only know that you love her and that she is a very lucky woman.

3. Literal translations. "To beat the darkness" in the fifth sentence of the last paragraph is a typical example. Different people have different ways of saying things. In English, we can say "to see a light in the darkness", but not "to beat the darkness". To put your ideas across, especially to native English speakers, you have to see, in your reading or listening, how they express themselves

Revision

The following is a revised version of the essay for the reference of interested learners.

It was raining by the time class was over. No sooner had we come out of the classroom than we saw Xiao Li knocked down by a bicycle. Xiao Li is one of our classmates. We ran to him immediately.

We found he had been injured in his legs and could hardly stand up. Just then, our English teacher Mr. Zhang came along. Sizing up the situation, he decided to send Xiao Li to hospital. So, together, Mr. Zhang, the student who knocked Xiao Li down, and we students carefully put Xiao Li on his bicycle, and moved him to the hospital. Xiao Li's clothes were covered with mud because of the wet ground, but we held onto him and no one took any notice of the dirt. On the road we asked Xiao Li repeatedly if it hurt. A few minutes later, Xiao Li felt better and smiled, "Thanks for the care."

Yes, it was the loving care that made Xiao Li smile. Indeed, it is sweet loving care that makes things in life go round. Thanks to it, our lives are full of sunshine. It helps injured or ill people recover quickly. If we show more care for each other, the world will be more beautiful and secure.

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Submit your own essay and you may see it reviewed here

TO help readers improve their writing skills for the College English Test, we've asked Professor Xia Guozuo to revise readers' essays and add comments. All you need to do is to follow the directions given below and email your essay to elt@21stcentury.com.cn. The topic below is from the writing paper of CET-4 this June.

Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a composition entitled "A Brief Introduction to a Tourist Attraction". It should be at least 120-words long and should follow these instructions:

Your role is as a tourist guide

Your audience is a group of foreign tourists

Your introduction should include:

* Some welcoming word

* The day's schedule

*A description of the place the tourists will be visiting (eg. a scenic spot, a historical site, etc.)

You should make the introduction interesting and the arrangements for the day clear.