Sample eight-point essay

The following is an essay worth eight points from last June's CET-4 writing topic. Test takers were required to write an eye witness account of an accident.

Original version

The trafic accident was taken place at the junction of two highways when I was driving my car home at about 4 o'clock.

The yellow car involed in the accident was running at a high speed along the right-hand when it happened. Hardly it reached the junction when it cracked with a truck running from another direction. There was no time for the drivers to change the directions.

I think the accident mostly attributed to such reasons: Firstly and the foremost, it was the carelessness of both of the drivers that mostly made the accidents happen. It was not too careful for them when running a car. Secondly, the weather also should be responsible for it. The fog made the vision of drivers vague. Last but not the least, the constructure of the roads was unreasonable. The trafic lights are needed at any junctions.

Comment

This essay first tells us when, where and how the traffic accident happened and then goes on to analyze its causes. The ideas are organized and the sentence structure is largely correct. On the whole the author is able to express his ideas in a basically coherent way. However, the author's use of language is far from accurate, posing difficulties for readers. The reader is left guessing at the meaning in some places. Unlike the authors of the 14-point range-finder and the 11-point ranger-finder, this student lacks basic training. To improve his writing, he has to cultivate better study habits and pay greater attention to accuracy. Following is an analysis of some of the mistakes in this essay:

1. Confusion of active and passive voice in verbs. In the first paragraph, "The trafic accident was taken place at the junction..." should be "The traffic accident took place at the junction..." The phrasal verb "take place" is never used in the passive, it is always active. In first sentence of the third paragraph, "...the accident mostly attributed to such reasons" should be "...the accident could be attributed to ...". The correct pattern should be "attribute sth to sb/sth" or "sth is attributed to sb/sth".

2. Confusion of meanings of similar words. The word "crack" in the second sentence of Paragraph 2 is taken for the word "crash". The word "crack" means "to break or make sth break without dividing into separate parts" or "to break sth open or into pieces". The word "crash" means "to hit or cause a vehicle to hit sth, usually causing damage, and often injury or death to passengers". For example:

The plane crashed into a mountain.

He crashed his car into a wall.

And the word "vision" in the fourth sentence of Paragraph 3 is not properly used. "Vision" is "one's power of seeing". Fog cannot impair one's vision; only physical damage can. In this context, "visibility" is the right word. The word "visibility" means "the distance one can see as determined by light or weather conditions". Therefore, fog can reduce or lower visibility but not one's vision.

3. Confusion of sentence patterns. The second sentence of Paragraph 3, "It was not too careful for them when running a car" should read "they were not careful enough in their driving...". Here the subject of "careful" should be "people" not "things". The expression "cannot... too" is inappropriate here, it actually means "the more... the better". Similar expressions are "cannot... enough", "cannot ...sufficiently", and "cannot ... overdo". For example,

You cannot be too careful in handling this matter.

This point cannot be overemphasized.

In addition, the author's mention of fog in the third paragraph is rather abrupt. So in the revised version, "on a foggy afternoon" is added at the beginning of the essay.

Revised version

The following is a slightly revised version of the essay for reference for interested learners:

It was at about 4 o'clock on a foggy afternoon. I saw the traffic accident take place at the junction of two highways as I was driving home.

The yellow car involved in the accident was running at a high speed along the right-hand lane. Hardly had it reached the junction when it crashed into a truck that was making a left turn. There was no time for the two drivers to avoid the crash.

I think the accident could be attributed to the following factors. First and foremost, it was the carelessness of both the drivers (that caused the accident). Drivers should be more careful out on the road. They should have slowed down at the intersection. Second, the weather was somewhat responsible. The fog greatly reduced visibility, making it impossible for drivers to see more than a few metres. Last but not least, the road presented problems. There were no traffic lights at the junction.

Coming up: Comment on a reader's essay on last June's CET-6 writing topic.



Readers are invited to write on this topic. Send it to elt@21stcentury.com.cn. Professor Xia at FudanUniversity will comment on some of the more typical ones.