There is care everywhere

THE following is an essay worth 14 points out of the total of 15 from the test. This is from CET-4 test of September 2003. The direction is in the box bottom left.

Original

The Day My Classmate Fell Ill (or Got Injured)

I have a classmate named Angel, who is a lovely and bright girl. She is popular with all the classmates. One day, news came that Angel had got blood cancer. It really shocked everybody. When I saw her in the hospital, I could not help crying. She was so thin, so weak, and it seemed that only skin and bones were left. Her face was so pale. Even so, she gave us a big smile to comfort us.

We decided to help save her life. Angel's family was not very rich and could not afford the operation. All the classmates and teachers began to raise money in school. Some called the media for help. In the end, we succeeded in raising the money for the first operation. We will keep trying until Angel is cured.

Many people offered as much help as they could even though they did not know Angel. I was really touched by this. There is love everywhere as long as we seek for it.

Comment

This essay keeps to the topic and covers the three points outlined in the directions. The author has a firm grasp of English grammar and is able to handle the complex structures of the language with ease.

Sentences like "...news came that?", "We will keep trying until..." and "Many people offered as much help as they could even though..." testify to his skill in this respect.

The student is also very good at using the idiomatic expressions of English. "She is popular with...", "I could not help crying", "...could not afford the operation", and "...succeeded in raising the money" are all good examples showing his familiarity with the way native speakers use the language.

The following are a few suggestions for further improvement:

1. The fourth sentence of the first paragraph, "It really shocked everybody" should be changed to the passive voice, because here the momentary action of "shock" is not the focus, but rather the mental state of shock is emphasized. "Everyone of us was shocked" expresses their emotional condition of being very upset on hearing the news.

2. In the sixth sentence of the first paragraph, "...only skin and bones were left", the author's intended meaning is not fully expressed. It should read, "...she was only skin and bones", or more emphatic, "...all that was left of her was skin and bones".

3. In the last sentence of the third paragraph "There is love everywhere...", the word "love" is not very appropriate. The right word is "care" or "loving care", which means the providing of what's necessary for the welfare of somebody. Among classmates or friends, if we show concern for each other, then we say "We care for each other" or "We take care of each other"; we do not say "We love each other".

4. In Sentences 6 and 7 of the first paragraph — "She was so thin, so weak, and it seemed that only skin and bones were left. Her face was so pale", the arrangement of details could be improved. It would be much more forceful if we were to say, "She was so thin, so weak, and her face was so pale. It seemed all that was left of her was skin and bones." In English, we often place the most important information at the end of a sentence or sentences. This is referred to as "end-focus".

Some of the changes suggested above are not a matter of right or wrong. But they do make the composition read much better. If there are test-taking strategies for composition, self-revision is probably an effective one.

It is advisable for students to leave a couple of minutes for a second reading or even a third reading to make necessary revisions so that they can get a higher score.

Revision

The following is a slightly revised version of the essay for the reference of interested learners:

I have a classmate named Angel, who is a bright and lovely girl. She is popular with all the classmates. One day, news came that Angel had got blood cancer. Every one of us was shocked. When I saw her in the hospital, I could not help crying. She was so thin, so weak, and her face was so pale. It seemed that she was just skin and bones. Even so, she gave us a big smile to cheer us up.

We decided to help save her life. Angel's family were not rich and could not afford an operation. All the classmates and teachers began to raise money in school. Some called the media for help. In the end, we succeeded in raising the money for the first operation. We will keep trying until Angel is completely cured.

In the campaign to raise money, we find many people offered as much help as they could even though they did not know Angel. I was really touched by their warm-heartedness and generosity. There is loving care among people everywhere if we just take a moment to look around.