Almost perfect essay

THE following is an essay worth 14 points out of a total of 15. Directions for the CET-6 writing are given in the box below.

Original

Reduce Waste on Campus

Waste on campus has become a serious problem that cannot be overlooked. It has caused many problems and solving them is aparently not an easy task.

As the society changes greatly in these years, students are no longer poor. With more and more money, some of them begin to spend money casually. Even parents will be astonished to see that their children are living in such an extravagant lifestyle. To make things worse, some students enticed by the prodigal lifestyle are trying to get money in illegal ways.

Wasting money is surely not a good habit. Students with a large expenditure usually regard themselves to be superior. This sense of superiority isolates them from other students. For those who cannot get money easily from their parents, living in an environment where all their friends are wasting money will depress them.

Maybe it is not possible for the school authorities to ban wasteful behavior. After all, such behavior is a personal affair. But as a student, one should realize that wasting is never a good thing. To stop the waste from spreading, the best policy is to practice economy. Only with everyone's effort can we reduce waste on campus.

Comment

This essay is well written. Its content is good and the ideas are well organized. The author has a firm grasp of complex sentences and a fairly large vocabulary. The piece is coherent and fluid. The only improvements that could be made are in certain word use and sentence organization.

1. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, the definite article "the" before society should be deleted. When "society" means "people in general", there is no need to put an article in front of it.

2. In the third sentence of the second paragraph, "...living in such an extravagant lifestyle" should be changed to "living in such an extravagant style" or "living such an extravagant lifestyle".

3. In the second sentence of the third paragraph, "regard themselves to be superior", would be better if it were changed to "considered themselves to be superior" or "regarded themselves as being superior". We usually say "regard ... as". The pattern "regard... to be" is rarely used.

4. In the last sentence of the third paragraph, "living in an environment where all their friends are wasting money will depress them" could be changed to "it is depressing to live in an environment where their friends are spending money like mad". It is awkward to put the "where" clause in the middle of the sentence.

Revision

Waste on campus has become a serious problem that cannot be overlooked. It has caused many problems and solving them is apparently not an easy task.

As society has changed a great deal in these years, students are no longer poor. With more money in their pockets, some of them begin to spend casually. Even their parents will be astonished to see their children living in such an extravagant style. To make things worse, some students, lured by a prodigal lifestyle, are trying to get money in illegal ways.

Wasting money is surely not a good habit. Students with a large sum of money at their disposal often consider themselves to be superior. This sense of superiority isolates them from their classmates. For those who cannot get money easily from their parents, it is depressing to live in an environment where their friends are spending money like mad.

Maybe it is not possible for school authorities to ban wasteful behaviour. After all, such behaviour is a student's personal affair. But, as a student, one should realize that wasting is never a good thing. To stop waste from spreading, the best policy is to encourage economy. Only with everyone's efforts together, can we reduce waste on campus.



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To help readers improve their writing skills for the College English Test, Professor Xia Guozuo was asked by 21st Century to do a revision of and add comments on readers' essays. All you need to do is to write the essay according to the directions given below and address it to elt@21stcentury.com.cn.

1. CET-6 writing topic (Last December) :

Direction: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a composition of at least 150 words on the topic "Reduce Waste on Campus" based on the outline given below in Chinese.

1、目前有些校园内浪费现象严重； 2、浪费的危害；3、从我做起，杜绝浪费

2. CET-4 writing topic (Last December):

Direction: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a letter in reply to a friend's inquiry about applying for admission to your college or university. You should write at least 120 words according to the outline:

1、建议报考的专业及理由；2、报考该专业的基本条件； 3、应当如何备考