Sample 14-point essay

FOR the next few weeks, Professor Xia Guozuo of FudanUniversity will comment on readers' essays on last December's CET-6 writing test topic. In that test, students had to write at least 150 words on "Reducing Waste on Campus" following the outline:

1. 目前有些校园内浪费现象严重

2.浪费的厉害

3.从我做起,杜绝浪费



Reader's essay

The following essay got 14 points out of a total of 15.

Nowadays, waste is quite prevalent and serious on campus. Food is thrown away simply because it doesn't taste good. Newspapers and magazines are discarded, because they have been read. What is worse, students seem to be quite accustomed to such waste and don't have a feeling of guilt.

Waste can do much harm. Our country has the largest population in the world and suffers from a shortage of natural resources. It is crucial for us to make full use of what we have, or else, the resources will soon run out, and we will have nothing left for the next generations. Waste is certainly making matters worse.

Second, waste may contribute to a habit of extravagance, which is not good at all. We Chinese people have the good tradition of being economic, and are indignant about waste of any kind.

Therefore, all of us should reduce waste. We can try to eat up a meal. We may give our old books to those who need them, instead of throwing them away. Also, we should form the notion that waste is quite shameful. As long as all of us take action, waste will be reduced.



Comment

This essay is well written and covers the three points in the outline and follows the directions. The author has a solid grasp of English sentence structure. He is also familiar with collocations and idiomatic expressions like "taste good", "accustomed to" and "do much harm".

He is also good at using appropriate transition words or phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs, including "What is worse" in the last sentence of the first paragraph, "Second", the first word of the third paragraph, and "therefore", the first word of the last paragraph. The only improvement that could be made is in the use of words.

1. In the first sentence of the first paragraph, the part "and serious" could be left out without any loss of meaning. As "prevalent" is a strong word, the addition of "serious" actually weakens the force of the statement.

2. In the third sentence of the first paragraph, "because they have been read" could be changed to "as soon as they are read". Here, it is the casual discarding of newspapers and magazines that should be emphasized, rather than the cause-effect relationship.

3. In the second sentence of the third paragraph, "economic" should be changed to "economical". The word "economic" describes things that are related to the organization of money and trade in a region, for example, economic planning and economic system. The word "economical" means "money saving", for example: This car is really economical, it uses little gas.

4. The second sentence of the last paragraph, "We can try to eat up a meal" could be changed to "We can try not to order more than we actually need and eat up what we have ordered"; the latter sentence sounds more logical.

5. The fourth sentence of the last paragraph of this article, "...we should form the notion that waste is quite shameful" could be changed to "...we should regard wasting things as shameful". The second sentence is more idiomatic.



Revised version

The following is a slightly revised version of the original:

Nowadays, waste is prevalent on campus. Food is thrown away simply because it doesn't taste good. Newspapers and magazines are discarded as soon as they are read. What is worse, many students seem to be quite accustomed to such waste and don't feel guilty.

Waste can do much harm. Our country has the largest population in the world and suffers from a shortage of natural resources. It is crucial for us to make full use of what we have, or else resources will run out, and we will have nothing left for coming generations. Waste is certainly making matters worse.

Second, waste may contribute to a habit of extravagance, which is not good for healthy growth. We Chinese have the tradition of being economical, and don't like waste. Wasteful habits can destroy that tradition.

Therefore, all of us should reduce the amount of waste. We can try not to order more than we actually need and eat what we have ordered. We can give our old books to those who need them, instead of throwing them away. Also, we should regard wasting things as shameful. As long as all of us take action, the amount of waste will surely be reduced.



Coming up: Comment on an 11-point essay