This article got 11 points

The following is an essay with 11 points from this June's CET writing topic. Test takers were required to write an eye witness account of an accident.

Original essay

IT was last Friday morning. The accident happened when I was on my way to school. It was so terrible that I would never forget it.

I was walking along the road, and there are not so many cars on the road. Then, with a big sound, the accident happened. The red car stoped suddenly on the road so that the driver of following car couldn't respond immiditely. The back of the red car was badly damaged, but fortunately there was no people injured in this accident.

I think the main reasons are as follows: First of all, the red car shouldn't stop suddenly without any signals. Secondly, the following car should keep a certain distance from the front car so that the driver could have enough time to take measurs when any badly situation. Finally, these two drivers were careless. If they had paid more attention to driving, this accident wouldn't have happened.

Comment

This essay covers the three points in the outline. The time, place and circumstances in which the accident happened are clearly stated. The author has a fairly good command of English grammatical structure and the language he uses is basically coherent. Despite some mistakes in spelling and grammar, his ideas are easy to follow.

The chief problem with this student is lack of practice in writing, especially in editing and revising. For example, in the last sentence of the third paragraph, he uses the subjunctive mood correctly, but in the first and second sentences of the same paragraph, he failed to use it where the subjunctive mood is required (?.. the red car shouldn't stop suddenly?and "the following car should keep a certain distance?. His slips in the use of tenses (I was walking along the road, and there are not so many cars on the road) and in agreement (there was no people) and his omission of the article "the?before "following car?(in the third sentence of Paragraph 2) and a verb in the clause "when any badly situation?are a clear indication that he knew the rules but failed to take care of them when faced with a writing task, especially under the strain of a test. If the student had had more practice, he could have avoided such silly mistakes and his grade would have been in the 14-point bracket.

However, two mistakes cannot be attributed to his carelessness. One is the use of articles. The use of the article "the?before "red car?(in the third sentence of the second paragraph) is due to inadequate mastery of the use of articles. When something is mentioned for the first time, the indefinite article "a?is used. If, in some cases the definite article "the?is used, that's because both the speaker and the hearer know what the speaker is referring to. For example:

His daughter was bitten by a stray dog. (The first time the dog was mentioned)

Has the robber been caught? (Both the speaker and the hearer know of the robbery)

The other is the use of "badly?in "any badly situation?(in the second sentence of the third paragraph). "Badly?is always used as an adverb, not an adjective. For example:

She wanted a baby so badly.

She realized she had behaved very badly at the party.

Revised version

The following is a slightly revised version of the essay for the reference of interested learners:

The accident happened last Friday morning when I was on my way to school. It was so terrible that I will never forget it.

I was walking along the road, and there were not so many cars on it. Then, the accident happened, with a big crash. A red car stopped suddenly on the road so that the driver of the following car couldn't respond quickly enough. The back of the red car was badly damaged, but fortunately no one got injured in the accident.

I think the main reasons are as follows: First of all, the red car shouldn't have stopped suddenly without giving any signal. Second, the following car should have kept a certain distance from the front car so that the driver could have enough time to take measures in case of an emergency. In a word, both of these two drivers were careless. If they had paid more attention to driving, this accident wouldn't have happened.

Coming up: An 8-point essay in June 2003 CET-4 test

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Readers are invited to write on this topic. Send it to elt@21stcentury.com.cn. Professor Xia at FudanUniversity will comment on some of the more typical ones.