Example of a top essay

After have talked about essays from the June CET-6, I will continue here with the CET-4 writing for June. In the June CET-4 test, students were asked to write an eyewitness account of a traffic accident. The minimum words requirement was 120, as opposed to 150 for the CET-6. Otherwise the requirements were the same. The outline for the composition is as follows:

假设你在某日某时某地目击一起车祸，就此写一份见证书。见证书须包括以下几点：

1.车祸发生的时间及地点

2.你所见到的车祸情况

3.你对车祸原因的分析

Original essay

(This essay got 14 points out of a total of 15.)

It was the morning of April 6th, 2003. At about 7:30, I went to school by bike as usual. It was a rainy day and the road was slippery. On the way, I noticed a boy riding in front of me, talking loudly with his friends. He didn't wear a raincoat; instead he held an umbrella in one hand, and rode with another hand. As he turned left to Guangming Road, he failed to see a car coming from behind a truck parked on the corner. Suddenly I heard a big noise and saw an umbrella thrown away. The boy was knocked down by the car. I was completely shocked.

I think the boy's absent-mindedness accounted much for the accident. He was talking all the time and dangerously used an umbrella while riding a bike. The weather also played a role in the tragedy. The third cause was the unproperly parked truck, which was big enough to make the road conditions invisible to the students who were going to make a turn. All these contributed to this accident.

Comment

The author of this essay recounted the accident in the first paragraph, giving the exact time and place as well as the circumstances in which it happened. In the second paragraph, he analyzed its causes as an eyewitness. As far as the requirements in content are concerned, the essay is complete. Also the details are pretty well organized and the language the author uses is almost free of mistakes. This author has a good command of everyday phrases such as "as usual", "on the way", "in front of", "from behind", "knock down", "account for", "play a role", "invisible to" and "contributed to". It is a clear indication that he pays close attention to idiomatic expressions in English and successfully studied them in context. And this is a very good study habit. With continued effort, he is sure to gain a larger number of words and phrases.

However, the essay is not without its faults. The chief weakness lies in the description of details. He tends to use general words instead of specific words. For example, at the end of the fifth sentence of Paragraph 1, it would be much better if he could change "rode with another hand" into "steered the bike with the other hand," because when we ride a bicycle we steer it or guide it by using the handlebars. In the seventh sentence of Paragraph 1, "I heard a big noise" could be changed into "I heard a big thud" because "thud" is a dull sound made by a heavy object when it hits something soft, while a noise could be a lot of things. Of course, the word "thud" is not listed in the required vocabulary, but at least we could use "a dull sound".

Again, in the second sentence of Paragraph 2, "used an umbrella" could be changed to "held an umbrella". Another place that could be improved is in the third sentence of Paragraph 1. Here "On the way" is rather vague, because it refers to the whole process of going to school. So, in the revised version it is changed to "As I was approaching Guangming Road," because that is the exact place the author witnessed the accident.

Another improvement that could be made is in the organization of details. In the latter part of the first paragraph, the sentence "... he failed to see a car coming from behind a truck parked on the corner," is an inference drawn by the author from observing the occurrence of the accident. Naturally, it should come after the action instead of before it. You'll find in the revised version the sentence order has been changed.

One more point: the use of set phrases. In the first sentence of Paragraph 2, the word "much" in "accounted much for" should be deleted. We say "fully account for" or "partly account for", but careful writers don't insert any word between "account" and "for".

Revised version

It was the morning of April 6th, 2003. At about 7:30, I was on my way to school by bike as usual. It was a rainy day and the road was slippery. As I was approaching Guangming Road, I noticed a boy riding a bicycle in front of me. Instead of wearing a raincoat, he held an umbrella in one hand, and was steering the bike with the other hand. All the while he was talking loudly with friends, who were on bicycles. As he turned left at Guangming Road, I heard a big thud and the screech of a car braking. The boy was knocked down and his umbrella thrown far away. Obviously he had failed to see a car coming from behind a truck parked at the corner. I was completely shocked.

I think, to a great extent, the boy's absent-mindedness caused for the accident. He was talking with his friends all the time and dangerously held an umbrella while riding a bike. The weather also played a role in the tragedy. The third cause was the improperly parked truck, which was big enough to make the road invisible to the students who were going to make a turn. All these factors contributed to this accident.

Coming up: An 11-point essay on the June 2003 CET-4 test.

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Readers are invited to write on this topic and addressed them to elt@21stcentury.com.cn.

Professor Xia at FudanUniversity will choose the typical ones to comment on.