Analyze an 8-point essay

THE composition chosen to represent the 8-point essay is as follows:

Original essay

First let us see the changes. In 1990, 75 per cent of the houses are State-owned, the other 25 per cent houses are private. In 1995, the houses which are owned by the State reduced to 60 per cent, and in 2000, this number reduced to 20 per cent while the houses which are private reached to 80 per cent.

As we all know, our country is trying hard to make the house be owned by everyone. Before we take the change, anything belongs to our country, especially the house. In order to encourage citizens to own houses of themselves, the country constructed many houses for sale. The richer and richer people began to buy houses of themselves. So until now, the houses which are private is far more than which are State-owned.

I think these changes are good. It can make people work more hard, and the county don't need to cost much for the people's house problem. This can help the country to do more other useful things such as solve unemployment problems. And when the houses are private, people can be happier to live in because it belongs to himself.

Revised essay

First let us look at the changes. In 1990, 75 per cent of the houses were State-owned; the other 25 per cent were private. In 1995, the houses owned by the State went down to 60 per cent, and in 2000, this figure dropped to 20 per cent, while that of private houses was up to 80 per cent.

We all know that our country is trying hard to make it possible for people to have their own house. Before the policy change on ownership, everything belonged to the State, especially houses. To encourage citizens to buy a house, many more are being built for sale. The richer people now live in their own house. The number of private houses has already surpassed that of State-owned ones.

I think these changes are good. It can make people work harder and the government doesn't have to spend so much money solving the housing problem. This will allow it to do other useful things, such as solving the unemployment problem. Also, when houses are privately owned, people feel happier because they live in a house that belongs to them.

Comment

This essay also stays with the theme. It is written in basically understandable English. With some difficulty, the author is able to convey his ideas. However, this student is lacking in basic language skills and in many places his mistakes in the use of language are an obstacle for the reader, especially someone who is not familiar with conditions in China. Even where there are no grammar mistakes, many sentences sound awkward. Two of the most apparent problems in this essay are:

1) Inadequate command of grammatical structure. For example, in the last sentence of the second paragraph, "...the houses which are private is far more than which are State-owned," the subject of the second clause is missing. A grammatically correct sentence should read, "...the houses that are private far outnumber those (the houses) that are State-owned." Of course, the sentence as it stands sounds unnatural. A better way to say it is "Now, the number of private houses has already surpassed that of State-owned ones." The third sentence of the third paragraph, "...other useful things such as solve unemployment problems," should be followed by a noun or gerund, not a verb. It should read "...other useful things, such as solving unemployment problems." In the last sentence of the third paragraph, "... people can be happier to live in because it belongs to himself" should be "people feel happier because they live in houses that belong to them."

2) Literal translation of Chinese into English, disregarding meaning or usage:

Example: the first sentence of the second paragraph, "...our country is trying hard to make the house be owned by everyone," sounds as if it means "to make one house that is owned by everyone? which, of course, is ridiculous. What he actually means is "to make it possible for everyone to own a house" or "to make it possible for everyone to have their own house". In the next sentence, "anything belongs to our country" actually is "everything belonged to the State." And in the second sentence of the third paragraph, "the county don't need to cost much" should read "the government doesn't have to spend much money." If something costs a particular amount of money, it means you can buy, do or make it for that amount. The word "spend" means "to give or pay money for goods, services, etc." Therefore, the subject of "cost" is usually a thing, while the subject of "spend" is usually a person. For example:

The book cost me almost US$80.

I spent half my allowance on books.

Coming up: A 14-point essay for the June 2003 CET-4 test

---------------------------------------

The author is a professor at FudanUniversity and vice chairman of the National College English Testing Committee.