Writing a 14-point eassay

THE following essay got 14 points out of a possible 15 in this June's CET-6 test. Students had to describe a chart on changing house ownership patterns in China. An essay receiving full marks appeared in Issue 529 of 21st Century.

The original essay

From 1990 to 2000, great changes have taken place in the ownership of houses in cities in China. While the number of State-owned houses decreased, that of private houses increased. In 1990, there were 75 per cent State-owned houses and only 25 per cent private houses. However, in 2000, the proportion of State-owned houses reduced to 20 per cent and that of private houses increased to 80 per cent.

There are some reasons for the great changes. Firstly, I think the development of the economy is one reason. Thanks to the development of the economy, people earn more money than before. So they can set aside some money to buy houses. Secondly, the measures the government adopts have encouraged people to consume. Nowadays, people can buy new houses with the help of loans from banks. There may be some other reasons.

These changes reflect the rising living standard of the people, which will, in turn, bring about changes in people's consumption idea - to consume on credit.

The revised essay

From 1990 to 2000, great changes took place in the ownership of houses in Chinese cities. While the number of State-owned houses decreased, that of private houses increased. In 1990, there were 75 per cent State-owned houses and only 25 per cent private houses. In 2000, however, the proportion of State-owned houses fell to 20 per cent and that of private houses increased to 80 per cent.

There are several reasons for these changes. One important reason, I think, is the development of the economy. Thanks to that, people earn more money than before. So they can set aside some money to buy houses. Second, the measures the government has adopted have encouraged people to buy. For example, people now can buy new houses with the help of bank loans. A third reason is low interest rates, which greatly reduce the burden of repaying a mortgage.

The changes in house ownership reflect the rising living standard, which, in turn, will bring about changes in people's consumption patterns - more people will be willing to buy on credit.

Comment

This essay keeps to the topic and covers the three points listed in the outline. It is well-organized and written in fairly good English with few minor errors. The language used may be simple but it is idiomatic and flows. For example, in the second sentence of the first paragraph, he uses "while" to show a contrast and the pronoun "that" to refer to something already mentioned, instead of repeating the noun. His use of complex sentences and clauses of comparison also show a fairly firm command of grammatical structure. His appropriate use of prepositional phrases like "thanks to", "with the help of", "in turn", and "on credit", and phrasal verbs like "set aside" and "bring about" shows he not only memorized words but also paid attention to native use of language.

One obvious weakness is that this person is vague in some places. For example, the sentence "There may be some other reasons" at the end of the second paragraph does not actually give any new information. So, in the revised version, there is a specific mention of what contributed to changes in house ownership. Vagueness, as you know, can not hold readers' attention.

Another thing I'd like to draw attention to is the use of verb tenses. In the sentence "From 1990 to 2000, great changes have taken place in the ownership of houses in cities in China," the "have taken place" should be changed to "had taken place", or even simpler to "took place", because the period of time is specified.

Compared with the 15-point sample we talked about in last week's paper, this one is limited in vocabulary, although there is a solid English foundation. If this student wants to improve his writing, he needs to enlarge his vocabulary and his repertoire of expressions by reading - and writing - more.

A revised version of the essay is put at the beginning of the article. Compare it with the original one and find out how it was improved.

Coming up: An 11-point essay in the June 2003 CET-6 test


The author is a professor at FudanUniversity and the vice chairman of the National College English Testing Committee.